“Peace... peace, I hate the word...” Who said it? Many of you who remember 9th grade English class just spat: Tybalt. To that I will say you, my friend, are the king of cats. But it is also the thought rolling through the head of every toddler on lack-of-sleep-break-down in your local super market. Clean up on aisle FML. (Ellen will probably edit that out although I hope not because it cleverly paints the picture.)
Peace is a word I will establish on threshold of my children's doors. Peace is very important to me. It is not something that I hope for in my home--it is something that will be practiced. It has to be. I have a bit of a temper line that runs through my blood. Both Mom and Dad carried the gene. I'm not sure whose bloodline that particular code in my double helix comes from, but I am sure that I have it. Therefore: if you live in a glass house, don't throw stones. If a temper lies dormant in your being, don't poke at it--keep feeding it sedatives.
That is where the thought process of this particular blog entry came from. I rarely lose my temper now, even though I was “coded” with it. I try to make sure I empty the space where temper might reside. However, I am not as purposeful as I would like to be about replacing that empty space with the more appropriate filler: peace. If I had a spot slotted for temper and cognitively removed it, then it needs to be replaced. On purpose. With peace.
Here is what I plan on putting into place in my home with my children to maintain peace:
1. Deep breaths.
I do not breathe right at all. I hold my breath. A lot. I could be just sitting there watching TV or in thought and Ellen will say--BREATHE. I won't even know that I am not breathing. There is a lot to be said about breathing and how breath relieves stress. I had a friend with a huge anger problem, and the habit he put in place was to take two deep breaths before he spoke when he was angry. He said that curbed his need to explode. My good yogi friends say that there is just something about breathing in your nose and out of your mouth that "softens" your being. People in the military learn how to square breathe (not sure if that is the exact term) especially in times of preparation. The breath is a tool to help them focus and control their natural responses to stress.
Again, I am not good at breathing--so this will take practice for me. But it is definitely something I want to be on purpose about in my home.
I especially want to be peaceful for Adam in all situations because he will be way more open to share his life with me. I want to be a well of trust and support--but if my action and reaction is to hold my breath and steam up, then he won't feel safe.
2. Safe place for real conversations-- feelings have to be accounted for.
Peace is a derivative of our feelings. I want to create a safe place for conversations to be had where true feelings can be expressed. Bottled feelings explode (or implode, which is just as detrimental).
The easiest ways to allow someone the ability to speak their feelings are to simply watch your face, keep the judgments out, and keep your own emotions neutral. The best way to do this is to watch your expressions. When we create safe places for each other, we create space to grow, express, and love. Anger strangles safety and in turn will hinder us from growing, expressing, and loving. Anger essentially stifles life.
3. Time Out.
Allow time outs when needed. Create a habit of time out. Be responsive in a positive way to time out. Our ability to respond appropriately in a time of heightened stress is near impossible. Crack open heightened stress: you get the classic, I-am-right-you-are-wrong boiling-emotional-fodder.
When the temperature rises, allow time to respite and check feelings. Then come back together and try to speak in a way that upholds each other’s dignity.
Ellen and I have developed a culture of time out in our relationship. We pause and place the other in a higher position. Then we talk about feelings. The reality is that the time out doesn't always solve everything, but it gives us the chance to know that we are heard and our feelings are validated. If you want to feel peace in your soul, allow someone to validate your feelings.
4. Don't walk away.
If peace is practiced in the home and the lid is about to blow--you shouldn't have to walk away, storm out, or head to the bar. You should be able to maintain composure and explore where the frustration is coming from.
5. Lots of mentors. (I'm looking at you, Lexi at Om Grown Yoga :) )
Peaceful people breathe peace. Think about the most peaceful person you know. You probably lean towards them when you are feeling anger. I find that when I surround myself with peaceful people, my peace elevator goes to the top floor. I could spend thirty seconds at Om Grown Yoga and just melt away the layers of stress, anxiety, anger, and tension.
Dear Adam,
I want you to always be able to express your feelings. I want you to feel safe at home. And I want it to be a place of peace for you always. Even when you are old and grown--I hope you find yourself at harmony just being with me and your mother. I love you.
Arguably the most I-CANNOT-WAIT-FOR-YOU-TO-BE-
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